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Louisiana after the storm.... Well one thing is for certan nothing is ever going to be the way it was I promise that I know that my life has been greatly impacted by the storm.Every thing is diffrent and now as I don't really have no one that cares to listen for the moment.I am quitting skoal smokeless tobacco and this is my second day and the withdrawls are making me crazy.I feel like I managed to loose the people closest to me *again* my suposted to be best friend won't call me anymore its like the pain inside of me right now is so tremendous I cant begain to tell you I hate it and i'm having one of those days whre all you can do is cry excpt I cry inside and today I am screaming! Before any of this ever happened I used to live in a home with a really controlling father and I never got to go to school,I was homeschooled and I lived with 2 older sisters my mom n my dad's 1st wife.I grew up knowing people loved me,but there was much fighting I turned 13 and fell into the pattern of self injury and sucidal tendencys and then mom got liscense and took me to the store every day and to my aunts house and to the library...Where I found this old man that I absolutly couldent manage to get anything out of he was rude and mean to me! I always wanted him to love me like a friend or grandpa (don't ask I don't know why I just did) so I started askin to go to the library every other day.I became obsessed with making friends with him and I used to draw him on everything I read books a lot I always wanted and needed his attention! One day he started talking to me so we began a friendship and stuff but there was never anything beyond funny stuff that I pretened to think was funny cause I wanted him to think I was as mature as he was so I laughed at things that wasent funny.Well I used to want to walk with him all throughout the library and talk and I followed him around for an hour talking talking talking you know.....well he started getting in trouble with the manager and so it was me or the job...u geuss! Well I began dressing drag or cross dressing putting on a fake moustash and wearing mens clothing to sneek in to talk to him...never bothered him as he never really cared about the effort I made but he talked to me and noticed me.One day I told him I was a cutter and he hurt me my telling me very coldly that he never thought of me as somone who dident think b4 she acted! I Mean that hurt it took a lot to say that...got rejected many times by him and so that was my pattern of hell to start with...so I stopped seeing him (I was looking for a grandfather or father figure ) not sure??well I got saved in that year excepted christ as my lord as savior one day when I was attempting suicie when Jesus reached out to me and healed me or si and depression...I Got freed from the controlling family and got a new life and a extented family (my church family) so a friend took me and witnessed to me taught me all about Jesus and even took me to her home every weekend and every wedensday night....I loved going to her place I loved spending time with her I absoultly loved every thing about that time in my life..... then katrina came n screwed up my life ! now my friends place got destroyed my old church got destroyed and everyone got scattered now then my other friend seems to want me to scat for some reason and everyone else just is tired of my inability to stop using skoal i just want to die today...
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